Neighbors can help ease the discord

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My book, “In the Neighborhood,” published 10 years ago this season, asked how Americans live as neighbors—and what we lose when the people next door are strangers.

These questions are just as timely today. Not only has the country been dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic, we also facing deep political and racial divisions. And on top of these issues there are often painful personal matters, such as the health crisis my own family is experiencing. In each instance, neighborhoods and neighbors can lend support and help ease the discord. 

The inspiration to write my book came from the murder-suicide of a couple—both physicians—who lived on my street in Brighton. One evening the husband came home and shot and killed his wife, and then himself; their children, a boy, 11, and a girl, 12, ran screaming into the night.

Peter Lovenheim

What struck me—besides the tragedy—was how little it seemed to affect the neighbors. A family who had lived on our street for seven years had vanished, and yet the impact on the neighborhood seemed slight. No one, I learned, had known the family well. Few of my neighbors, I later learned, knew each other more than casually; many didn’t know even the names of those a door or two away.

Do I live in a neighborhood, I asked myself, or just in a house on a street surrounded by people whose lives are entirely separate? Why, I wondered, in this age of instant and universal communication—when we can create community anywhere—do we often not know the people who live next door?

To see if I could connect with my neighbors beyond a superficial level, I asked them if I could sleep over at their houses and write about their lives on our street from inside their own homes. Somewhat to my surprise, about half the neighbors I approached said yes.

Getting to know my neighbors in this way enlivened the experience of living there. It helped me forge connections that enriched my life, and made it easier for the people on my street to look out for each other.

After I told my story in the book, I heard from people all over the world about how much they missed close neighborhood ties. They also told of more recent times when they’d managed to connect with their neighbors, and how gratifying those experiences had been.

Interestingly, many of those happy connections between neighbors occurred in response to natural disasters. On the West Coast, readers recounted earthquakes and fires; in the South, hurricanes and floods; in the North, massive snowstorms. “When the power went out,” a Florida man wrote me of his neighborhood during Hurricane Andrew, “we began to cook our meals in the street. We enjoyed getting to know each other and learning each other’s stories. After a few days the power came back and we all went back inside. It’s funny, but I find myself looking forward to the next hurricane so we can catch up.”

Today, we’re all living through an unfamiliar kind of natural disaster—the coronavirus pandemic—and I see that neighbors are connecting, once again. We’ve read and heard a lot of these stories, so I’ll share just one from my own family.

Just after New Year’s 2020, my 4-year-old granddaughter, my daughter’s child, was diagnosed with a rare form of childhood cancer. Suddenly, her life and the lives of her parents and 2-year-old sister were upended. What had been the happy, busy life of a growing family was now beset by fear, anger, uncertainty, trips at all hours to the hospital, increased medical bills and two parents trying to work remotely from home.

My daughter’s family lives in a suburb of Washington, D.C., where the response to their 4-year-old’s health crisis was … nothing. This was not because the neighbors were unkind; it was mostly because my daughter and her husband, after living in their home for nearly four years, knew few, if any, of their neighbors well.

But the COVID-19 pandemic came just three months after my granddaughter’s diagnosis. Suddenly everyone in the neighborhood was living with fear and uncertainty, working remotely from home, and struggling with unknowns including reduced income. On a neighborhood listserv, someone offered to buy groceries and other supplies for anyone especially vulnerable to the virus.

My daughter responded:

Hi neighbors-
Some of you have offered so generously to pick up groceries for those of us who are immunosuppressed. I’m pregnant and one of my children has cancer. If anyone happens to be at a store this week selling toilet paper, tissues, or paper towels, please pick up some extra for us! Happy to pay, of course.
Thank you!
Valerie

The response was swift and strong:

My daughter will deliver items shortly (I’ll wear gloves when I put the items in the bag, so nothing will have been touched by anyone in the house).
Amy

We dropped off some tissue boxes a few mins ago. 
Allison & Michael

I have a couple smaller boxes of tissues I’d be happy to drop off to you. Oh and I can give you a container of Clorox wipes too.
Betsy

I just dropped off paper towels and tissues at your front door.
Fran

And that was only the beginning. For weeks, my daughter has been finding bags of groceries and paper goods on her doorstep; in most cases, the neighbors decline payment. “Don’t be silly,” one wrote. “There will surely come a time when I need a favor from a neighbor.”

Today, my granddaughter’s treatments continue and her prognosis is good. Her family’s life is still upended, but now at least they are aided and comforted to know they live among people who know and care about them. Once again, it took a terrible event to bring neighbors together.

Can we find ways to connect with each other without a disaster?

As Americans we have an independent streak; our impulse for freedom and self-reliance often comes more naturally than the desire for community. Social trends also work against connections. Two-career couples mean fewer people are at home or have the leisure time to interact with neighbors. Larger suburban homes—and the lots they sit on—increase physical distance. Ever-increasing hours of screen time leave us less time to socialize. And the persistent fear we call “stranger danger” steers us away from meeting others—even those who live nearby.

I’m afraid it would be naïve to think that—in the absence of a new disaster—we will all just reach out to our neighbors because it’s a nice thing to do.

So, let me offer a different incentive.

Pandemic aside, this country is experiencing a crisis: Politically, we have torn ourselves in half. Whichever side you’re on, half the country thinks you’re not only wrong, but insane.

It’s a crisis that poses a threat greater than any hurricane, fire, earthquake, or pandemic. Left unchecked, I fear it can rip us in two and in the process—regardless of which side prevails—destroy the very protections we rely on for our freedom.

What is the answer? History suggests if we want to begin to repair the social fabric, a good place to start is our own neighborhoods.

Like the meetinghouses and common greens of earlier times, neighborhoods long have been the building blocks of a healthy civil society. Today, they are a place that allows us to get to know, regularly and intimately, people who may think differently than we do. With effort, we can come to know our neighbors beyond a superficial level, to know their challenges and the fullness of their lives. Once we do that, it becomes hard to mark them only with political labels.

For example, there’s a couple that lives near me. Over the years, I’ve seen them work long hours to build their own businesses—she in sales and he in consulting. I’ve come to know the child they adopted, and for whom they’ve made a loving home. I watched as they remodeled a spare room for her father to live in when he could no longer live alone. So, I’m not inclined to dismiss my neighbors—and certainly not to think them evil or insane—merely because they’ve posted a lawn sign supporting a national candidate with whom I disagree.

“In this age of bitter partisanship and social division,” writes Ryan Streeter, resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute, “unity and social healing are not only possible but happening every day when we work with and rely on those who are closest to us.”

In the 2019 Survey on Community and Society, Streeter and colleagues found that most Americans get a stronger sense of community from those they’re close to, including neighbors, than from “their ethnicity or political ideology.” Moreover, they found we’re 11 times more likely to report high levels of confidence in our neighbors than in the federal government, and five times more than in our city councils. Seventy-three percent of us say our neighbors can be counted on to do the right thing.

So let’s not wait for the next natural or even man-made disaster to get to reach out to our neighbors. We have a strong enough motive: healing the bitter partisanship that infects our country.

How to get started? I think it’s just one neighbor at a time. You don’t even have to sleep over. All it takes is making a phone call, sending an email, or ringing a bell.

Peter Lovenheim, journalist and author, is Washington correspondent for the Rochester Beacon. His 2010 book, In the Neighborhood: The Search for Community on an American Street, One Sleepover at a Timewon the First Annual Zócalo Public Square Book Prize.  He can be reached at [email protected]. This article adapted from an essay written for Zocalo Public Square, Los Angeles.

5 thoughts on “Neighbors can help ease the discord

  1. Thanks for great input Peter. We have a caring enclave in our two block section of Rochester between Mt. Hope and South Ave. Started by one couple who moved into the neighborhood inviting others to an open house to meet them, the potlucks every few months, and stronger friendships evolving. We help each other and enjoy each other’s company in diverse ways. Can take just 1 invitation to get the ball rolling.

  2. This article is so interesting to me. My son and daughter-in-law live in a suburb of Washington DC. The day they moved into their house, (no small feat buying a house down there!)the neighbors on one side came over and introduced themselves. The husband offered to mow the lawn since it hadn’t been cut in awhile and my son didn’t even have a mower yet. He is still mowing as far as I know (of course, he’s being paid!). My grandson, who was 10 at the time, was diagnosed with a rare form of sarcoma. That whole neighborhood came out in support. It was unbelievable! They cooked meals, they sent gifts to my grand daughter so she wouldn’t feel left out. They came by and walked the dog. When Jaden finally came home, the trees were all decorated with yellow ribbons. We have lost this great tradition but it can be brought back. All it takes is a little imagination. One thing they have done is started a neighborhood blog. You can talk, buy and sell stuff, etc., etc. They have a huge family party on Halloween – everyone goes out in costume. Candy is left in bowls on porches. They have a big family outdoor movie. There have been very few problems among neighbors. But lots of fun and camaraderie. This sense of belonging to a larger family extends to the school system in their town as well. I have been so impressed with the things I have heard about it.

  3. Peter, I read your book after hearing you speak at a Rotary meeting several years ago. I truly enjoyed the story as well as this updated version with the impact of Coronavirus. The thing I wonder most about is how we might build a similar neighborliness across a city (and a country) that is so geographically divided: neighborhoods still largely segregated by race and socioeconomic class, plus divides between urban and rural areas.

    I don’t doubt that building a more cohesive neighborhood is a good way to build social capital, but since so many of our neighbors look like us and are more likely to think like us politically, I wonder how we can apply the concepts of neighborliness across our city to recognize our mutual obligations and shared fate.

  4. Dear Peter, thanks for your book and your story. I was just thinking of ways I might reach out to neighbors, and the great community, about my SCHOOL concerns.

    For many years, I wrote letters to the paper on education. I sent zillions of emails, and I started
    a blog: http://www.SavingSchools.org . The response has been almost nothing. But now, I am
    thinking about reaching out, more directly, with visits and phone calls, as well. If worse comes
    to worse, I will get laughed at, and ignored, again and again, but I can try.

    Again, Peter, the offer of a FREE (Global) Easy button is still in effect.
    Thanks Harry

  5. Thanks for the essay and for your book, which I just finished. As you note, design matters–we can build communities that encourage engagement.

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